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diegogirl81's Journal

Monday, April 17, 2006

3:26PM - david is cool

so is james

1:33PM

I just want to tell you
That you did a terrible job raising me
Your words and actions made my heart and soul bleed
I only have one happy memory
Of me in kindergarten
And the sweet names you called me
Like "My baby lamb," and "My little monkey,"
I felt loved and protected as a child should be
But then I grew up and things changed
The names changed from being sweet into names
like "Stupid," and "Idiot," and "Disgusting,"

I hated you then till I was 23
A tear slid down my face
Every time I watched TV
And dads were kissing their daughters goodnight
tucking them in, staying with them till they fell asleep
I was starved for affection, one kiss, one compliment
One word of encouragement is all I wanted from you
Instead you yelled more and more until I withdrew
Into my cocoon, where you couldn't hurt me
Or suffocate me anymore

Speaking of suffocation
In high school, I made a list of ways to kill myself
Ways to stop breathing
So I could stop dealing with your shit
I changed my mind time and time again
I didn't want to end my life because of you
I would just be okay with crying myself to sleep every night
And wondering what I had done wrong to make my own father hate me

After mom died, you just added fuel to your fire
And you spit words at me that burned me over and over again
Until I felt like if you cut my skin open
All you'd find is ashes and dust
Becuase your words wore me to the bone
Mom was the only person who kept you in check
After she passed you said you wished you were dead
Or that one of us had died instead
How the fuck do you think I felt?

I don't respect you
we lost someone too
And instead of being the father and man
we needed you to be
You were just a big baby
Nothing more
Nothing less
You had no respect for the dead
Or even the living
It's like you forgot you had children
and stopped caring
if you ever cared in the first place

Fast forward to today
Everything's all good
You're super sweet to me, saying
When are you gonna come visit me baby
I've forgiven you for all that shit you said to me
But I haven't forgotten how you made me feel
For all those years
However, I still love you unconditionally
Not because you helped give birth to me
Mostly just because I'm just sorry
that you weren't there for me
But believe it or not,
I thank you for the greatest lesson of all
How not to treat my own children
How not to discipline them by swearing and calling names
How to make them feel loved and wanted at all times
How to be there for them when they need me
How to encourage and compliment them
so they respect me, not hate and fear me
Fear and hate, does not a father make
But mostly
I'll know how to say sorry
if I have wronged them in any way
Like the way you wronged me, daddy
It's a new day with new chances
and I'm going to take them

1:28PM - In Praise of a Model Student

Chubby red cheeks framing a lively, eager mouth
Large innocent eyes, a button nose, and big white teeth
Spiky hair and fat little mouse ears
A sweet and gentle manner like you are still a baby, untouched by the world
Your folder is so organized and your lettering looks like it was written with a ruler
I want to sit down with your parents and ask them what they did
If I had a son, I'd wish that he was just like you
In fact, I wish I had an entire classroom full you yous

1:08PM - sex poem

feeling the shift of weight
turning without the existence of balance
all the while
responding to hidden stirrings
over lovely curvatures and hollows
words and gestures so hypnotic
pleasures so intense
that my knees shake
the world is ripe and full
and touch is a place
i long to experience again

9:08AM - song for david and james

Violence Ain't The Answer

[chorus]
Behind the violence
Inside the silence
After a gunshot blows up the spot
I paint a dot and cry a lot
I carve wood into crosses
To represent the losses

[1st Verse]
Yo, I got a hope
that one day
it'll be safe
for kids like me to play
baseball, basketball, dodgeball
in the middle of the hood
instead of duck-and-cover
from fools up to no good
I keep wishin' that tomorrow will be a better day
And peace will be here to stay
But violence is winning so far
in this game that we play

So check it,
While at school, during "Violence-Free Week,"
they gave away
These black plastic braclets that said "Live-violence Free,"
I got one and so did my homie
But then he said to me
"Yo,let's jump Rick after three!"
I said "Nah man, I got better things planned
Chill with my brothers
Finish homework
Watch TV
Play psp."
I tried to talk him out of it,
but I couldn't change his mind
So I just said "Forget you!" and left his ass behind

I found out the next day
what happened to my friend
For trying be tough
he was sent away
For trying to be cool
Succumbing to peer pressure
And acting like a fool
I'm sad to see him go
But I wish him better days

[chorus]
Behind the violence
Inside the silence
After a gunshot blows up the spot
I paint a dot and cry a lot
I carve wood into crosses
To represent the losses

[2nd verse]
When kids go to school
Instead of reading and writing
They play at fighting
At making bones break and
noses bleed
Then they go home and play GTA
hiring hookers and killing policemen
Doing drive-bys and getting high
And they want it to come true
Because they are too dense, or maybe too dumb
To seperate fact from fiction and realize
That Their GTA dreams were all a scheme
Hookers carry diseases and don't look that fine
Drugs don't make sh*t disappear like a dream
and guns kill real flesh and blood
not pixels on computer screens

Violence isn't the answer
To the problems in life
You gotta use your head instead
Of following the rest
Of the bad examples
That just want a free braclet
Their big thick heads
Are so clouded with lies
they're being fed
About how violence is fun
And to be "in"
You gotta pack a gun
by the American media--
movies, tv, the radio
you can't believe what they tellin ya

Kids are fallin for the lie that it's cool to fight
Cool to get hurt
and hurt others
And cool to die
Like dyin' so young ain't no thang
But I like livin'
So I pray to the lord everyday
Trying to find a way
Imma teach kids the right letters to rep--
Ph.D, BA, MA, BS..
Imma teach kids to use their heads

[chorus]
Behind the violence lies scared minds
Hurt feelings and family
I try to hold back tears and run away from fear
I try not to think about life and death
So I focus on my breath